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Thursday, 16 June 2011

Engineering as it used to be. (The drink and debauchery bit)

I opened the door and entered the bar………………………..

What met my eye was immaculately laid tables serviced by waiters in Tuxedos, and waitresses in long flowing dresses, serving an elite clientele.


What met my eye was a dark and dingy room with a haphazard arrangement of crudely made tables, populated by, to my naive  mind, denizens of the underworld with two heads. Eventually when my eyesight became accustomed to the gloom, I realised that these weren’t two headed creatures, they were just two people of the opposite sex sharing one lap.

I then sidled over to an empty table and sat down, not knowing what the etiquette was in places such as this. Seconds passed before a young lady swooped down on me and said “ You want to drink, big boy”. All I could do was gulp and ask for a beer. (Tiger if you’re interested).

In a flash this vision of delight (If you’ve spent months at sea, a female hippopotamus looks like miss world), produced a pint with the words “50 cents, and you buy me drink”. (I didn’t put a question mark after the last sentence as it appeared to be an order). I didn’t dare refuse. The oriental maiden returned with her rather suspicious looking drink (coloured water) and without a bye your leave, plonked her derriere onto my lap. Imagine what that does to an eighteen year old who’s been away at sea for a while. I can’t understand why she wriggled for so long to get comfortable?

After  a while of discoursing about Plato’s theory of the republic and einstein’s  theory of relativity she asked me a question that I didn’t know how to answer. Was I a cherry boy?  After months in the sun my skin was quite brown, and certainly not cherry  coloured, so I just avoided the question.

In the meantime  I’d realised that I was having difficulty hearing.Looking through the gloom I suddenly realised that I wasn’t suffering from some sort of ear disease, it was a local group wailing at the end of the bar.

I could go on, but needless to say, after far too many drinks that night, my sensible head took over and I left, never to return. (Till the next night).

Do you want to hear about bands, urine, stairs, and Ladyboys? If so you’ll have to wait a while.


Did you know that there is an EU directive that now makes it illegal to dump carbon composites in Land fill?

Oh and you can’t burn it either because of the Toxic vapours given off.

In that case what are they going to do with obsolete wind turbine blades?

Professor Henning Albers from the Institut für Umwelt und Biotechnik, Hochschule Bremen, calculates that at current growth rates by 2034, there will be a mountain of 225,000 tonnes of unwanted rotor blade material waste.

I suppose we could make a giant folly on Westminster Green. Or better get them sent back to DECC.

I’m waiting with bated breath

I sent the below E mail to my council a week or so ago. So far they haven’t sent a reply, but just acknowledged it. That’s fine, they’ve still got time.

However if they do reply with the fact they have purchased tickets, then I’d like to know what authority gives them the right to spend taxpayers money in this way?


From: The Filthy Engineer
Sent: 2011/06/08 14:32:11
Subject: FOI Request

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to obtain information about how many tickets your organisation applied for and the total amount spent on tickets for the 2012 Olympics.

To outline my query as clearly as possible, I am requesting:

  1. The total number of tickets your organisation applied for
  2. The total amount paid for tickets (or amount outstanding if not yet paid)
  3. Please break this information down by event

My preferred format to receive this information is electronically, but if that is not possible I will gladly accept letters at the address below.

I would be grateful if you would acknowledge receipt of this request as soon as possible.

Kind regards

The Filthy Engineer

Filthy Towers



It’s not as if they’ve made poor financial decisions in the past. Oh wait. They lost 50 million of the reserves in the Iceland debacle. (The highest of any county).

Need some cash?

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

1... Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off..

(Unfortunately, most of this  is true.!!)
1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ...
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Hand Brake.