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Monday, 31 October 2011

Monday Fun


1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change." 

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".
4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
11. A Welsh Muslim was caught today having sex with a young sheep. In his defence he said it was islam and he could do whatever he liked with it.


I’ve written about this before. (And no, it’s not a sex tale).

It’s about extracting natural gas from deep shale rock formations. Yesterday there was a long article in the Daily Mail’s colour supplement.

From the article:

Here are two visions of the future. 

The first one lies at the end of a muddy track in the village of Banks, a 20-minute drive from Preston, Lancashire. It consists of a derrick about 60ft high, a few temporary buildings, a generator and some specialist machinery in a fenced square compound.

Powering the derrick and the drill at its centre is an eerily quiet electric motor. Today, on the first Friday of October, the bit it turns at the end of the drill pipe lies about a mile beneath our feet, boring steadily downwards at a rate of up to 500ft a day, depending on the hardness of the strata. It’s heading for a thick deposit of carboniferous shale, a rock made from the compressed mud which lay on a prehistoric seabed more than 300 million years ago, its upper edge some 7,500ft below the dark green fields of ripening cauliflower that surround the compound.

Locked within the fissures inside that rock is an immense quantity of natural gas – virtually pure, unadulterated methane, of a quality so high it could be pumped direct to domestic and industrial users, and to electricity generating stations……………………….


The second vision is taking shape at the end of the Thames Estuary, where the foundations are being laid for the 217 turbines of the London Array, the world’s biggest offshore wind farm.

Covering 90 square miles, this too will have the capacity to generate 1GW (one billion watts). The turbines’ construction has been priced at £2 billion, four times as much as the Kentish gas plant, although this does not include the cost – perhaps a further £500 million – of connecting them to the National Grid, via 300 miles of undersea high-voltage cables.

Without the labyrinthine system of ‘green’ taxes and Government subsidies known as the Renewables Obligation, which is already adding an estimated £100 to the cost of every British household’s electricity bill, and an average 20 per cent to the charges paid by businesses, the wind farm could never be built, because it would be hopelessly uneconomic…………….

Which one do you think makes sense?

How it’s done animation Click on the Link our active Animation

And the scenario in the sidebar

Frakking mail on sunday

Do go a read the whole article in the link above.

Will we ever see someone in Government seeing sense and wholeheartedly pushing for shale gas extraction in a big way? Probably not whilst we have that idiot Huhne in charge of energy. Expect more of version two until the lights start to go out.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

The Baby Boomers of the post war years

I’m one of them.

Much is being said in the MSM, about  how we had it all.

I beg to differ. I was brought up as a child under rationing. Central heating didn’t exist. It was usual to have ice forming on the inside of our bedroom windows.

Mortgages were just as strict as they are today.

The main difference in my mind, is that my generation eschewed the fripperies of life that the modern generation seem to think is their right.

My first house:

No TV until we could afford to buy an old second hand black and white set. That took five years.

No fridge, and certainly no American fridge freezer, complete with Icemaker.

Second hand furniture, as an when we could afford to buy it.

No phone until we could afford it. Let alone mobile phones which seem to be an essential item these days.

Washing machine. Don’t make me laugh. We did it in the kitchen sink, by hand.

Children. We waited until we could afford to raise them. Eminently sensible to me.

Car. The cheapest banger I could afford.

Driven to school. Petrol rationing was in force. You either cycled or walked. (Dodging the predatory packs of paedophiles – not)

Kitchen. No bespoke kitchen. Just a second hand freestanding cooker that fulfilled the basic needs. Dish washer. The thing  of dreams.

Hi Fi, Video recorder, toaster, computer, food processor, a shower. Nope.

40 hour week. For the first twenty years of my career, 70 hours was the norm.

Paternity leave. My boss would have laughed his head off if I’d dared to ask

Holidays. Apart from our honeymoon, these didn’t exist. (If you can believe that a week in Benidorm is a holiday).

Help from my parents. They couldn’t possibly afford it. they were living on the breadline at that time.

This leads me to the purpose of this post.

Mrs FE and myself have spent a considerable amount of money in assisting our three kids to becoming home owners. Now we could have spent it on exotic holidays or flashy cars. But no. We both came to the same decision without any discussion that it was the right thing to do. (OMG. I’m starting to sound like David Cameron.*)

My parents couldn’t afford to do this but I’m sure they would have if they could.

So my philosophy is adapt to the times  you live in. Complaining about others having it better is just admitting to yourself that you’re a failure.

If you want something hard enough, then just go and get it. If not. Stop whingeing.

*washes mouth out with soap and water



Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:


"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.


You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.


The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the Earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.


The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,


"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Saturday Stupidity


One day, in Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No problemo God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the Man... " But, God interrupts, "there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi Carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God me old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"


"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"


“And you want it full of Carp?".


"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing...

"Dunno", says God....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

That debt


greek debt

Don’t swear

A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.  He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"  the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.
On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.   "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks..
And from the sky comes a booming voice ..

"Shit, I missed."

Friday, 28 October 2011

common purpose

I recently sent a FOI request to my County Council enquiring how many of their personal had been Common purpose trained. Not many it seems. See table below.






No consent to disclose details                     
Alison St Clair Baker 2006 Grade KS12 Environment & Regeneration – Change & Development Division
Marisa White 2006 Grade KS15 Children, Families & Education - Operations
No longer with KCC 2007 Grade KS13 Chief Executives Department – ICT Commissioning
No consent to disclose name 2007 Grade KS8-9 Communities – Policy & Resources - Kent Volunteers
No Longer with KCC 2007 KS13 Chief Executives Department – Business Solutions & Policy
Debra Exall 2008 KS15 Adult Services - Performance & Planning
No consent to disclose details      

However, why are  some of them loath to allow their details to be known? Have they a dirty little secret that they don’t want me to know? Or maybe they realise they’ve been duped by this shadowy organisation that runs using Chatham house rules.

Just saying

For your continued education !


The origins of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods

when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,

and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.....or is it?? ;)

Let’s go to Scotland for our booze.

The law of unintended consequences strikes the Righteous.

wine glass

A loophole in a new law to curb binge drinking could see wine lovers heading to Scotland for bargain booze.

They really didn’t think it through did they?

Customers are expected to take advantage of the recent Alcohol Scotland Act, which stops two-for-one deals and discounts on wine bought in bulk.
It means chains like Majestic, which only sells in bulk, must now sell individual bottles of wine at the lower multiple-buy price available in England.

And even if they close that loophole, there’s still this.

The day before the law came into effect, Tesco told Scottish customers they could still benefit from online wine deals – as  orders were sent from Daventry, England.


Full story here

Thursday, 27 October 2011

I am damned

Well, In the minds of the health puritans, I am.

I smoke 40 a day

I drink well over the “recommended limits”. (And I mean well over).

I like plenty of salt on my food.

I don’t go for long walks. (The thought of such a boring pastime makes me shiver).

I eat what I want.

So now you would expect by righteous definitions, I’m a menace to the future of the NHS, due to my non PC lifestyle.

Well the truth is that I’ve been almost no drain on the state. In my working life (43 years), I would say that I’ve had at the most, seven days of sick leave.

If you were to believe the likes of the so called charities such as ASH, Alcohol concern, the Obesity forum, and all the other rent seeking groups, I should have been dead years ago.

Sorry chums. I’m living proof that your propaganda is flawed.

My advice to the up and coming generation is enjoy life to the full. It’s the only one you’ll have. Go out, get drunk in the smoking shelter, then stagger home clutching a big mac, and enjoy yourself.

At the moment I’m actually a drain on the NHS as I’ve been diagnosed with a peptic ulcer. However that’s not my fault. I blame the commenters on this blog for putting me in the worrying position of trying to answer their absolutely brilliant comments, I fail dismally.

It’s your fault.

But, Hey, keep them coming.



I’m now up and running on my new computer. And what a delight it is.

Having just spent the last couple of days transferring files and pics to this one, it’s nice to know that I’ve something reliable to work with.

Buying a new computer does come with a downside though. This one came bundled with a wireless keyboard and Mouse. These have now been consigned to the darkest cupboard, as they are the cheapest, badly designed, peripherals  I have come across in a long time.

The Mouse was the size of a football,compared to my old mouse, and the keys on the keyboard felt as if they were made from the inside of a swiss cheese.

One of my biggest problems was in setting up an Email programme for Mrs FE. As the ISP account holder it’s easy to set up my Email. however to set up my wife’s account is always a pain in the Arse. I find that she can send Emails, but not receive them. However I’ve now got that sorted.

Another problem is that at the moment I’m running with unsecured wiFi due to the inability of the onboard WiFi adapter to accept my Routers instructions. Apparently my Router is of a higher standard than the onboard WiFi can cope with.

That’s now sorted as a new wireless dongle plopped onto  the mat this morning. the WiFi was secure in minutes.

So now you get the chance to read at least another five years of my ridiculous posts. You have been warned.

Tied to the taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f****** brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

The Doctor

In a previous post I found that I was no longer registered with my practise.

Surprisingly enough this morning I read a blog post (I can’t remember who) that might shed some light on the issue. Apparently practises are funded by the number of patients on their register. Therefore the local health authorities were sending patients innocuous questionnaires to patients asking for info on their practise. If after two requests, there were no replies, then health authorities were presuming that the patient had moved out of area. Therefore saving them money.

Bearing in mind, that the period involved in my case had me out of the country for most of the year, this scam would have been unnoticed by me.

I have asked my practise for a full enquiry into the matter, but I’m not holding my breath for a result. However if they think that this will go away. they’d better think again.

PS. I’m being treated for a suspected Ulcer.

Note to self: Calm down dear.

It just hit me

sleeping cat

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks ....

My cat must be an Illegal Immigrant.

Peace in our time. Over?

Politicians really can stoop to new lows in the fight to save the Euro.


Peace in Europe could be shattered if the euro collapses, the German leader Angela Merkel said today.

Christ on a crutch. How crass.

As EU leaders gathered for their second emergency summit in four days, she stunned diplomats by saying: "No one should think that a further half century of peace and prosperity is assured. If the euro fails, Europe will fail."

And a fat rat looks like it’s leaving the sinking ship.

On top of the tensions, the sense of turmoil was fuelled by reports from Rome - quickly denied - that prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has agreed to step down because his coalition is cracking under the strain of austerity measures.

There could be good news, further down in the article.

"It isn't. And that's why I say if the euro fails, Europe will fail, and that mustn't happen."

I live in hope.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Remember, remember, the second referenda.


If the EU encourage this then why not vote for a second referendum on leaving the EU.

Do go and vote. The link is below

1,912 submissions already

I would really wonder what the ruling classes would do if confronted with a second demand.

H/T to Ampers

Monday, 24 October 2011


As you may remember in a past post I intimated that I was feeling a touch unwell. Anyway today I bit the bullet and decided to make an appointment with my doctor.

Just making an appointment in itself was a hurdle or two to jump. Last time I had to, this was achieved by a simple phone call, answered in seconds by a nice sounding lady.

Not now.

“If you are in need of Emergency treatment, Press one”

“If you died recently, press two”

Etc, Etc.

“If you wish to talk to a humanoid, press three to the power eight”

I digress from the original reason for this post.

After finally getting through, and being asked for my Name, Rank, and serial number. I was informed that I’d left the Practise in 2006.

Now no one had told me that.

On questioning this revelation I was then passed to the back office who confirmed the fact. Apparently I must have registered with another Practise who would have requested my Health Authority to send my notes on.

The young lady in the office couldn’t believe me when I stated that I’d done no such thing. She refused to believe me, when in no uncertain term I said it was an error in  the practise. In fact she became somewhat perturbed when I asked for full details of the transfer. (Partly because of my mutterings of breach of the data protection act, and maybe the ICO should be involved).

At least I have an appointment tomorrow. First with the doctor, and more interestingly, with the office.

An interesting fact came to light whilst talking to my son tonight. He left the practise in 2006, as he was at UNI.

Mmm. Could they have closed me out, mistaking my notes for his?

I’ll let you know tomorrow.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

By the deathbed stands the heir apparent trying to retrieve the last secrets of the realm.

old computor

Well not really. It’s just that I bought a new computer to usurp the tasks of the wheezing gas bag that’s  on it’s last legs.

The part I hate about buying a new computer is trying to transfer as much as possible from the old one.

I’ve just spent all afternoon and still seem to be getting nowhere. It doesn’t help that the young pretender refuses to connect to my router. It knows it’s there but refuses to accept the Pin or password. I’ve had to resort to my PAYG dongle which is a tad slow, in order to connect to the web.

Thank god for a portable hard drive.

Well I’m going to put my nose to the grindstone and press on with the transfer.

Don’t talk behind my back.

99%. Nah

two percent

CSI: Legoland

Shamelessly nicked from Theo

Saturday, 22 October 2011

It’s dying

dead computer

That is my faithful desktop PC. Before I went to help the boy out with his Radiotherapy, I was having serious doubts about the sanity of my old faithful friend. It spent far too much time whirring it’s hard drive for little purpose. When I got back I was informed by Mrs FE that the simple startup repair which should only take an hour or so, had taken two days.

It got even worse when I shut it down. It wouldn’t even run in safe mode. (Lazy Bastard). I’ve spent all sorts attempts to try and get it up and running today. It feels like a Mongoose via a snake. Some rounds one wins, sometimes the other.

I’m up and running now, but for how long? I think it is the hard drive that is failing, (17,400 disk errors) so I’m frantically trying to export important data to a portable hard drive.

I’m just going to have to bite the bullet, and buy a new computer.

Farewell trusted friend. May you live in peace in landfill.

How the word Boob was invented.



Friday, 21 October 2011

Greek Default

Handy little flow chart

Greece and Eurozone

We’re all doomed – AGAIN!


After wrongly predicting the Apocalypse would arrive on May 21, US preacher Harold Camping now says today is the day all life on Earth will be wiped out.

I’ll get my coat.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

It never rains but it pours

Oh Bugger

I think a trip to the Doctor’s is on the cards.

I’ve spent the last few days in discomfort. Now I think I know why.

The most common symptom of a stomach ulcer is a burning pain…


In particular this occurs at night towards the morning hours as this is when you are most likely to have no food in your stomach.


Additionally, stomach ulcer symptoms frequently come and go.

Check. Happened briefly on holiday

Other Symptoms of Peptic Ulcers

If a stomach ulcer becomes sufficiently advanced, other symptoms may develop. These can include:

  • Dark, black or red stool (indicating blood in the stool) Haven't dared look.
  • Nausea or loss of appetite have been feeling sick as a dog for the last four days. My stomach didn’t ask for food.
  • Fatigue or weakness (due to anaemia from blood loss). This is more prevalent in women than men. I’ve been permanently tired. 
  • Weight loss I’ve had to make a new hole in my belt.
  • Vomiting of blood (typically black; think of the colour of a scab) Nope.

Oh well. I must take the rough with the smooth (Groans in agony)(Just kidding), I’m not getting any younger.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The strange world of ward 14


Imagine a hospital ward away from other wards down a long empty corridor. Entry is gained by an electronically secured entry system.

There is only one patient, a young man, who the staff visit and leave as quickly as they can. There is no small talk.

Medication is delivered in a lead container.

Visitors can visit at any time of the day, but may only stay for 30 minutes.

Who is the prisoner on this ward?

Well actually it’s my son who is undergoing radiotherapy.

He’ll be out tomorrow hopefully. I wonder how long he’ll glow in the dark?

Start your engines


Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Not for those of an impure mind


Mouse animated

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?

Scroll down.......




cat & finger

A Seatbelt you pervert!
  Buckle up!



Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk

Monday, 17 October 2011

I may be sometime

A few months ago, my son was diagnosed with Cancer of the Thyroid. Very quickly in my mind, he was admitted to Hospital and underwent an operation to remove the entire thyroid. Since then he has been on medication and has made a remarkable recovery.

The second stage of his treatment is about to commence tomorrow, when he will undertake Radiotherapy.

So i’m now travelling up North to where he works and lives, to help him out and assist in his recovery.

And I’d like to say a very special thank you to his employer, Johnson Matthey, who have been so understanding over his illness.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves..
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129... It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him..
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Saturday, 15 October 2011


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Black people
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012.
Our calendars ended there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up....
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Friday, 14 October 2011

Practical example of how the human mind works

We will analyse what the below photo represents to some groups of people.

Read the review after the photo...


woman in pink


- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.
- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.
- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.
- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.
- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.
- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

What a Bufhuhne

I’m talking about our Energy Secretary here.

noddy car

The proposed motorway speed limit increase to 80mph should only apply to electric vehicles, according to energy secretary Chris Huhne.

He certainly hasn’t done any research has he? To find the info below took me five minutes

Speed and Performance - electric cars can cover the full range of speed performance, from neighborhood electric vehicles that only get up to 25 mph to high perfomance cars like the Tesla Roadster which can reach 85-90 mph.  However, the average electric car available in the UK will comfortably reach 50-55 mph.  This is lower than even a small 1.1L petrol car although arguably in the city this more than adequate for the top speeds you will be legally allowed to do.

The cheapest Tesla you can buy is expected to sell for £40,000. And that would include the electric car grant.

So we’re not going to see many cars doing 80 mph on the motorways. And the ones that do will most likely be parked on the hard shoulder with flat batteries, due to the fact that charging points are few and  far between.

Nice one, Mr Huhne. Now go to the back of the class.

Thinking of going abroad for Christmas?

Well it might not be a good idea to fly.

An Icelandic volcano that could have a more devastating impact than the one that paralysed air traffic last year may erupt at any moment, experts have warned.

Seismologists are nervously watching rumblings beneath Katla, a volcano on the southern edge of the north Atlantic island nation, which could mean an eruption is imminent.

Katla is a much bigger volcano than nearby Eyjafjallajokul, the 2010 eruption of which cost airlines £1.27billion after ash grounded flights across Europe.

Some facts and figures.

The crater of the volcano has a diameter of 10 km and the volcano normally erupts every 40 - 80 years. The last eruption took place in 1918, meaning scientists monitor the volcano very carefully. Since 930, 16 eruptions have been documented. The Laki craters and the Eldgjá are part of the same volcanic system, so it can be regarded as one of the most powerful in the world.

Ooh er.

And you might find THIS useful if you have to fly

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Oh, for crying out loud.

That’s if you’re a highly paid police officer.

A Met Police officer has been signed off sick with a 'broken heart' for four months after being dumped by a married colleague, it was claimed today.

The detective is believed to have been left devastated when her lover went back to his estranged wife.

Is a “Broken Heart” now become an illness?

If she wants time off, it should be unpaid leave. I received four days off when my father died. In that time I had to fly home, arrange the funeral, attend the funeral, and fly back.

The mother-of-one was apparently signed off on full pay with stress and failed to return to her £45,000-a-year job.

Ah I see.

This new disease called “stress” has afflicted her. I would say “grow a pair”, but obviously she is incapable.

It begs the question. Are our Police service fit for purpose?

if it was stress caused by investigating a truly gruesome murder, then maybe I could understand it.

But for FFS she was only having an affair with a married man!

My stress level has reached breaking point , so a large whisky is required.

Not tonight

I was going to try an attempt a serious post tonight. I’ll give you this instead.



A woman was proudly driving her 'pubic beetle' until the police arrested her after a series of accidents.

The court ruled that her car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads.

It was ruled that she had to paint-over her car's hood









You don't suppose the other drivers were driving along saying 'Twat the hell was that??'

It's a good thing she was picked up by the fuzz....
OK, enough with the cracks now!!


1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. .. ....  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. .... . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'..  I asked. 'The patch' he replied...
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .....
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-  Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .. ' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'.  Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It  was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.  When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. ......' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....... 1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam..
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

We’re still doomed.

If you survive a previous post then you still won’t last past 2012. More warmist fear mongering I’m afraid.

Over 4.5 Billion people could die from Global Warming-related causes by 2012.

Now this article is dated 12th October 2011.


However digging back through the mists of time, this is just regurgitated from an article written in May 2010



And in turn look at the footer for the page.


So it comes back to an article in 2007.

Someone at the Canadian certainly has an Agenda, to keep the story going

You’re doomed I say, doomed.

Not me of course as I’m special. (Well I think so, and damn the rest of you).

There are only nine days left I’m told. From a reliable source.

Harold Camping, who announced the Rapture would occur Saturday, has had another revelation: The world will now end on October 21.

You remember that man. Apparently God hade a date shopping or something, and couldn’t be bothered to doom us.

Camping says God held off Saturday out of mercy: He did not want man to suffer for five months, but he was here on earth, spiritually.

Speaking on Family Radio, Camping said (via Daily Mail):

Last weekend became a very interesting weekend because May 21 came and has gone and all the dire predictions that have been talked about did not come to pass.

You heard it here first. Or maybe last…………………………………

Green Jobs explained


Or not.

FE’s quotation post

Read to the end if you can be bovvered.

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

-- Aesop

26. The best Christmas decorations in Regent’s Street this year, would be the swinging bodies of 650 politicians.

-- The Filthy Engineer



1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

The New Government Symbol



The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament from an Portcullis to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!


Wind Turbines. Blade and other Failures

From an E mail sent to me.

According to Caithness Windfarm Information Forum, as more wind farms are built, more failures occur. The forum notes that of the average 104 turbine incidents each year, by far the biggest number are related to blade failure resulting in either whole blades or pieces of blade being thrown from the turbine. A total of 208 separate blade failure incidents have been reported up to June 2011.

Fraser McLachlan, CEO at G Cube comments: “There have been a number of significant [blade] failures this year. They are costing the insurance industry millions of euros.”

Indeed, the rotor represents between 15-20% of the total cost of a turbine. And large blades which can be up to 70m long cost anything between US$30,000 and US$100,000 each. In addition replacing a single blade is not an isolated cost- work needs to be done to ensure that the two remaining blades are properly balanced.

An average of 104 per year. so they’re not only inefficient, but downright dangerous. An example:

Blade failure 06/09/2011 Lister Hospital,
Hertfordshire, England

"Six-foot blade flies off new Lister turbine". A six-foot blade flew off after only a week's
operation, and landed on a car, damaging its roof. The turbine is on the roof of a brand new
Hospital car park.

And that’s only a small one. Just imagine what a 70m one would do.



Worth a look here if you would like to see a table of accidents to turbines and the resulting outcomes.

The internet censorship has started

Four leading internet service providers are to offer parents the option of blocking adult content when they subscribe.

The move is expected to be announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron as part of a campaign to tackle the sexualisation of childhood.

All in the name of “We must think of the cheeeeldren”.

Well, you dome headed politician scum, why can’t you leave the control of the internet to the people who should decide? They’re called P-A-R-E-N-T-S.

Anyhoo. How can you decide what is an explicit site or not? Are you going to firewall the national Gallery website, because it contains pictures of naked women?

Of course there has to be a Quango involved . What’s happened to that bonfire Dave? Lost the matches?

A new website, called Parentport, is being launched where parents can complain about television programmes, advertisements, products or services which they believe are unsuitable for children.

Ed Richards, chief executive of watchdog Ofcom, told the paper: "Seven UK media regulators have come together to develop a single website with a single aim - to help protect children from inappropriate material."

Sorry. I should have written SUPER quango.

How soon, dear reader, before you find you can’t access this blog due to the occasional sweary words used here.

The cold, dead hand, of the state in action.

First they came for the smokers

Then the drinkers

Then the fatties

Now the internet.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Common sense. Irretrievably lost.

I really really despair. Why are these fuckwits even employed in the first place?

photo girl

Soon after taking a snap of his four-year-old daughter Hazel 'looking cute on the back of a vespa seat at an ice cream bar', Mr White claims he was approached by a security guard and told his actions were 'illegal'.

And you know what happens next. Yes, you’ve got it.

Mr White explained his daughter was the only person present in the photos but was allegedly ordered to delete them from his mobile phone.

The 45-year-old replied that the photos had already been uploaded to Facebook and so he didn't see the worth in deleting them from his phone, prompting the security guard to call the police.

Of course the police used their common sense. No they interrogated questioned him citing the excuse of the “Prevention of Terrorism Act”.

When the police showed up, Mr White claims he was questioned in an 'intimidating' manner by one officer, who allegedly said he had the right to confiscate the father's phone under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

A spokesman for Braehead said the centre's security guards were alerted after staff at an ice cream stall became 'suspicious' of Mr White's actions.


I bet the ice cream stall staff might wish that they'd kept their noses out of it. I think they might see a drastic drop off in their sales.

I see that this has gone viral now as even the Beeb ran with it.

There’s even a facebook page condemning the actions of Braehead staff and management. The link is below. About 15,000 members so far.

I think I’ll take up photography, specialising in shopping centres. Anyone have a small child I can borrow?


UPDATE: The management have apologised to Mr White.

"Dear Mr White
I am writing to formally apologise for the distress that we may have caused you and your family when you visited Braehead last Friday.
As you may be aware, in light of your complaint and the public debate surrounding the incident, we have decided to change our photography policy to allow family and friends to take photos in the mall.
Once again, I wish to sincerely apologise for any distress we may have caused,
Kind regards

It would seem that the power of the internet, can work to reign in the jobsworths that infest this country.

How to get around call centre menus?

Just a little vid to help you get through to human on the end of the phone, without having to press all those pesky numbers


If you find that you still get no sense you could call the Chief Executive of the company if you are that desperate.


duck fail

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Basic concept of life

This is a simple concept that I have been working on for most of my life. I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it sufficiently to share it with a select band of friends that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.






Saturday, 8 October 2011

Dead Man Walking

Don’t try this at home.










1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.. 
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. 
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. 
His cost of production is 80% of the price. 
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. 
His cost of production is £80. 
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. 
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. 
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. 
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage! send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the  UK  with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة

الانتاج 80 من

الثمن. ما هو الربح له

Friday, 7 October 2011

We are the Brits

Just a bit of a song post tonight. Instead of cowering in fear of the EU, we should remind ourselves. WE ARE THE BRITS. We’ll always be a great nation and should be proud of the fact.

keep calm

H/T to Witterings from Witney

Wonder why the French are so unpopular?

french flag

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"

You could have heard a pin drop


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' 

You could have heard a pin drop. 


A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.



Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically. 

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." 

The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" 

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.  Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." 

You could have heard a pin drop.